he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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