My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
