my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
