upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
