my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
