Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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