if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
