I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
