47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
