i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
only if we run a train.
done.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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