I'm going to jail i love you
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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