he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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