I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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