They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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