i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
