kristin has been a bad kristin
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
