mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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