The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
