I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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