K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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