i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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