you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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