and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
