The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
