I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
