Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Small penises have feelings too.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
it glows. i had to have it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I will pee on everything he values.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
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