I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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