Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
