I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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