As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
