So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
