a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
