I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
