Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
