My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
