so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
