Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
