Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
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