DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
