I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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