you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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