Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
