Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
