ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
