I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
