The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I need a beard to bite.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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