when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
