Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
farters have to be the big spoon...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
