I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
