Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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