He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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