I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
