I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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