We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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