life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
