turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
