fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
