I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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